When I am still, I am usually sleeping. During the few quiet waking moments you will find me reading or playing on my iPhone or laptop. Life these days doesn’t include much of watching TV. But when I do, my favorite shows are Modern Family, any reality singing show and the Ellen show—always viewed on DVR. Most of my time during the day is spent in motion.
I spend too much time on my iPhone, watching a whole lot of nothing. I’m working on this, as I feel like I miss a lot of life going on right in front of me. When I am present in the moment I watch people, mostly my kids.
I watch Ava and Carson interact, Ava teaching her little brother about life. Sometimes she is directing more than teaching but she is sharing with Carson how things work.
I watch Ava and realize how much more she knows than I thought.
I watch her calibrate her voice and place in this world. A myriad of emotion and expression as she chooses the few moments when she will hold back.
I watch her defiantly do things differently than I would, as she carves out the space around her that is intended to separate us.
I watch her intentionally align herself, trying to be just like me (which can sometimes be frightening).
I watch her eyes and many expressions as they tell everything.
I watch her doubt and question the grey realities of life I can’t explain.
Sometimes, when I catch her dancing or making faces in the mirror—I watch her gaining confidence.
I watch her navigate her acute sense of empathy when she recognizes someone needs it.
I watch her lose complete control when she is filled to the brim with excitement (a favorite of mine).
With each new discovery, I watch her search for a place where each piece of the puzzle will fit.
I watched her sleep for a bit the other night. Six years later she looks just as she did on the amazing 3-D ultra sound when she was inside me–her eyes, closed and quiet, her button nose and those tiny lips. In sixteen years, when I look at her, somehow I believe this is still what I will see.